1
00:00:07,847 --> 00:00:10,815
Oh, hiya. How are you?
Good, good. Listen.

2
00:00:10,833 --> 00:00:14,809
Are you free next week to go away?
Where?

3
00:00:14,824 --> 00:00:16,804
It's kind of a tour,
tour of the north.

4
00:00:16,820 --> 00:00:18,264
Restaurant tour.
Really good restaurants.

5
00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:20,282
Right. Why me?

6
00:00:20,298 --> 00:00:23,278
Mischa can't come
and I don't want to go alone.

7
00:00:23,294 --> 00:00:28,238
I've asked other people,
but they're all too busy.

8
00:00:28,253 --> 00:00:31,301
It's a job. I'm not asking you to go
on holiday with me or anything weird.

9
00:00:32,217 --> 00:00:36,265
It's for the Observer magazine.
So... you know, do you wanna come?

10
00:00:36,289 --> 00:00:42,202

11
00:00:42,223 --> 00:00:46,207
So I thought we'd take the B-5278
along the west bank of Windermere.

12
00:00:46,219 --> 00:00:47,263
Then when we get to Rydal,

13
00:00:47,278 --> 00:00:50,222
we're gonna take the A591
up to Keswick.

14
00:00:50,238 --> 00:00:54,258
I've printed out some reviews...
Oh, great. Oh, that's good.

15
00:00:54,274 --> 00:00:57,234
For L'enclume,
and basically, with L'enclume,

16
00:00:57,245 --> 00:00:58,281
you can say whatever you want,

17
00:00:58,297 --> 00:01:02,241
because it goes from
the terrible to the wonderful.

18
00:01:02,252 --> 00:01:03,296
Victor Lewis-Smith.

19
00:01:04,212 --> 00:01:08,200
Um... 'Never mind all the talk
of inventiveness and variety,

20
00:01:08,216 --> 00:01:10,256
the result was as formulaic
as McDonald's,

21
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:13,243
with the same splatter
of Technicolor bird shit

22
00:01:13,255 --> 00:01:14,291
on every plate.'

23
00:01:15,206 --> 00:01:16,266
Then...
That's a bit unkind.

24
00:01:16,279 --> 00:01:19,263
Giles Coren in The Times.

25
00:01:19,278 --> 00:01:22,226
'Love is not strong enough
to describe what I felt

26
00:01:22,237 --> 00:01:24,225
about L'enclume in Cartmel.

27
00:01:24,242 --> 00:01:27,226
I am breathless
with admiration, respect,

28
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:30,284
and awe for the skill,
imagination and restraint

29
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:33,268
of the 20-odd plates
of Simon Rogan's food

30
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,264
that I ate in my two visits.'

31
00:01:35,275 --> 00:01:37,211
Two-thirds of the way through that,

32
00:01:37,227 --> 00:01:39,211
you were thinking of doing
Anthony Hopkins, weren't you?

33
00:01:39,227 --> 00:01:40,259
Yes.
Yeah, I heard it.

34
00:01:40,275 --> 00:01:42,279
I heard it in your voice.
Are you glad I didn't?

35
00:01:43,195 --> 00:01:45,215
I am glad you didn't.
I admire your restraint.

36
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,262
'I was dazzled,

37
00:01:46,278 --> 00:01:49,246
blown away by the originality,
integrity and extravagance.

38
00:01:49,261 --> 00:01:52,273
I found it the best restaurant
experience over the years.

39
00:01:52,289 --> 00:01:55,229
Love is not strong enough to
describe what I felt about it!'

40
00:01:55,245 --> 00:01:58,261
Please, Christ. Restaurant I would
easily promise to honour and obey!

41
00:01:58,276 --> 00:02:01,224
I will honour you, sir! I will
honour you and the restaurant, sir!

42
00:02:07,255 --> 00:02:10,239
Alright. Alright. Jesus Christ.
It's so early, shouting like that.

43
00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:13,267
It's really horrible.
It's really unpleasant.

44
00:02:13,282 --> 00:02:16,206
He is when he does that, isn't he?
I know. I know.

45
00:02:16,217 --> 00:02:18,205
He is, and by default, you are.

46
00:02:18,222 --> 00:02:20,262
Well, yeah,
because I inhabit the role, sir.

47
00:02:20,277 --> 00:02:22,273
I'm not a turn, am I?
I inhabit the role.

48
00:02:23,189 --> 00:02:25,189
Yeah, no,
you're a real method actor. Yeah.

49
00:02:25,205 --> 00:02:27,209
You're right up there
with Pacino and...

50
00:02:27,224 --> 00:02:29,188
Oh, Christ, I better be careful
what I say.

51
00:02:29,204 --> 00:02:32,228
What do you got?
Hello, hello.

52
00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:35,243
There's method in my madness.

53
00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:43,147
Learn Thai more flexible and enjoyable
with Banana Thai osdb.link/bananathai

54
00:02:47,225 --> 00:02:49,233
Why are we self-catering?

55
00:02:49,249 --> 00:02:52,273
We thought we would go
and stay the night at Greta Hall

56
00:02:53,188 --> 00:02:55,276
when Mischa was gonna come
with me originally,

57
00:02:56,192 --> 00:02:57,276
because we thought
we could make love in the bed

58
00:02:58,191 --> 00:03:02,223
that Coleridge slept in
and made love in,

59
00:03:02,239 --> 00:03:07,211
and they would lend
a poetic, romantic frisson

60
00:03:07,222 --> 00:03:09,246
to our congress.

61
00:03:09,262 --> 00:03:12,246
Still be romantic,
just the two of us.

62
00:03:12,262 --> 00:03:14,270
We can be chummy.
Yeah, exactly, chummy.

63
00:03:15,186 --> 00:03:17,214
Yeah.
Chummy. Without the bum.

64
00:03:17,229 --> 00:03:20,181
Bumless chums.
Bumless chums.

65
00:03:26,227 --> 00:03:27,275
Very big, isn't it?

66
00:03:39,214 --> 00:03:41,266
Uh. Very nice.
Yeah.

67
00:03:43,237 --> 00:03:47,217
Robert Southey. Now who was he?
I thought Coleridge lived here.

68
00:03:47,233 --> 00:03:51,177
Yeah. I thought there'd be a...
Ah, look, there it is.

69
00:03:52,228 --> 00:03:55,212
'Samuel Taylor Coleridge
lived here...'

70
00:03:55,227 --> 00:03:57,179
Three years.
Not very long.

71
00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:59,183
You can hardly say it's Coleridge's
house, can you?

72
00:03:59,199 --> 00:04:01,183
Well, it's not how long
you live here,

73
00:04:01,194 --> 00:04:03,206
it's the significance of who you are.

74
00:04:03,222 --> 00:04:05,266
I mean, if I lived with you for...
I don't know, six months,

75
00:04:06,182 --> 00:04:08,226
when I die, there'll be a plaque
on the house saying,

76
00:04:08,241 --> 00:04:13,225
'Steve Coogan lived here
from 2010 to 2011' or something.

77
00:04:14,265 --> 00:04:17,245
Coleridge left quite quickly
after he moved here,

78
00:04:17,261 --> 00:04:22,201
so Robert Southey had his wife
and Coleridge's wife,

79
00:04:22,216 --> 00:04:26,216
and another Fricker sister
living here, plus the children.

80
00:04:26,231 --> 00:04:29,215
So he was the only man
looking after all these children,

81
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:31,235
and the wives as well.

82
00:04:31,246 --> 00:04:33,242
So he, you know, he had to...

83
00:04:33,258 --> 00:04:36,218
'Cause Coleridge was off
on his travels.

84
00:04:36,233 --> 00:04:38,177
Couldn't cope with
the domesticity of life.

85
00:04:38,189 --> 00:04:39,225
He found it very difficult.

86
00:04:39,241 --> 00:04:41,193
He found it very hard
to be creative.

87
00:04:41,205 --> 00:04:43,169
Yes, yes.

88
00:04:43,184 --> 00:04:44,232
There's bells ringing
all over the place here.

89
00:04:44,245 --> 00:04:46,225
He came back though, didn't he?

90
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,248
Periodically, he would come back
and visit, uh-huh. Hmm.

91
00:04:49,264 --> 00:04:51,260
We don't think... well,
there isn't very much evidence

92
00:04:52,175 --> 00:04:54,255
that he actually had sent any
money back, which is a bit tricky.

93
00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:58,194
I'm very consistent
with my maintenance, Rob.

94
00:04:58,210 --> 00:05:00,174
Oh no, you are.
I would never say anything.

95
00:05:00,190 --> 00:05:02,214
In case you wanted to draw
a parallel there.

96
00:05:02,229 --> 00:05:05,189
So this was Coleridge's study.
Wow.

97
00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:07,249
And possibly his bedroom as well.
Hey.

98
00:05:08,165 --> 00:05:12,169
He would, like... probably had
opium in here maybe.

99
00:05:12,180 --> 00:05:14,176
Um... Possibly laudanum,

100
00:05:14,191 --> 00:05:15,255
because that's what they
were taking at that time,

101
00:05:16,172 --> 00:05:18,192
initially as a painkiller,
but then perhaps he would...

102
00:05:18,203 --> 00:05:20,187
Well, he did become addicted to it.

103
00:05:20,203 --> 00:05:24,255
Would you like me to tell you about
Holbeck Ghyll? Yes.

104
00:05:25,166 --> 00:05:27,238
'Charming, Victorian hunting lodge

105
00:05:27,254 --> 00:05:30,254
with pleasant gardens
and stunning views.

106
00:05:31,166 --> 00:05:33,194
Individually decorated bedrooms

107
00:05:33,209 --> 00:05:37,209
combine country-house style
with a contemporary edge.'

108
00:05:37,220 --> 00:05:38,256
That's how I think of myself.

109
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,196
If I was a house,
I'd like to be a country house,

110
00:05:41,212 --> 00:05:45,168
but with a contemporary edge.
'Cooking is confident and precise.

111
00:05:45,183 --> 00:05:49,187
Appealing menus are complemented
by an exceptional wine list.'

112
00:05:49,198 --> 00:05:51,214
Yeah.

113
00:06:01,169 --> 00:06:05,201
Oh, hey. Look at that. See that?
Beautiful.

114
00:06:05,213 --> 00:06:07,209
You can't paint that.

115
00:06:07,224 --> 00:06:11,164
Well... Well, you could,
but it'd be a bit rubbish.

116
00:06:11,175 --> 00:06:12,235
Probably sell it for about 25 quid

117
00:06:12,251 --> 00:06:14,251
in one of the tourist shops
around here.

118
00:06:15,163 --> 00:06:16,199
Fuck.

119
00:06:18,203 --> 00:06:22,163
Why do you do that, eh? Why?
You know it's physically impossible?

120
00:06:24,186 --> 00:06:28,154
Oh! My back.

121
00:06:30,201 --> 00:06:32,161
Are you ready to order?
Yes, please.

122
00:06:32,177 --> 00:06:33,213
Um... Shall I go first?
Yep.

123
00:06:33,229 --> 00:06:36,181
Could I have the scallops
to start, please?

124
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:39,152
And then I'll have the pigeon
as the main course.

125
00:06:39,167 --> 00:06:42,239
I will have the rabbit, please,
followed by the lamb.

126
00:06:43,155 --> 00:06:45,247
Thank you. Nice image,
rabbit following a lamb.

127
00:06:46,162 --> 00:06:49,202
That's a bit weird. Rob.
A bit weird.

128
00:06:49,214 --> 00:06:51,194
Oh, yeah.

129
00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:53,174
Can we have a knife
for the butter please,

130
00:06:53,189 --> 00:06:56,161
and a rolled-up �20 note
for the salt? Thank you.

131
00:06:56,173 --> 00:06:57,241
Gentlemen, your wines.

132
00:06:58,156 --> 00:07:00,224
The Cheverny
and the Chablis Premier Cru.

133
00:07:00,241 --> 00:07:06,161
Ah, marvellous. Premier Cru.
I know that that means it's good.

134
00:07:06,175 --> 00:07:08,235
Premier Cru.
Premier, first, the best.

135
00:07:09,147 --> 00:07:10,183
Cru?

136
00:07:12,183 --> 00:07:14,243
Don't know.

137
00:07:15,155 --> 00:07:17,155
Mystery. Mystery. But that's good.

138
00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:19,166
It's good to have mystery
about these things.

139
00:07:19,182 --> 00:07:22,222
It's a premier. That's good.
It's the first of something.

140
00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:24,242
Would you like to try, gentlemen?

141
00:07:25,156 --> 00:07:27,180
Do you wanna try?
Yes, please.

142
00:07:28,228 --> 00:07:30,196
Thank you.

143
00:07:34,184 --> 00:07:36,180
That's fine.

144
00:07:41,163 --> 00:07:44,151
Now 11 and 5.

145
00:07:45,182 --> 00:07:49,194
Sorry?

146
00:07:49,210 --> 00:07:51,230
What is it, sorry?

147
00:07:52,145 --> 00:07:53,225
Pumpkin and gruyere.
Gruyere?

148
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,181
Gruyere.
Cheese. Thank you very much.

149
00:07:55,192 --> 00:07:57,144
Thank you. Thank you very much.

150
00:07:57,161 --> 00:08:00,169
She's lovely, wasn't she?
Very sweet. Nice disposition.

151
00:08:00,183 --> 00:08:02,235
Imagine her on an Alpine hillside
herding goats.

152
00:08:05,143 --> 00:08:09,207
Hm. Ah, it's delicious.
Taste it. Isn't that lovely?

153
00:08:12,146 --> 00:08:15,178
Oh, that is... that...
ah, tremendous. Good Lord!

154
00:08:15,193 --> 00:08:17,213
Hmm.
Hmm.

155
00:08:17,226 --> 00:08:20,146
My bouche is amused.

156
00:08:20,161 --> 00:08:22,209
Yeah. Can you not look
right into my eyes when you taste it?

157
00:08:22,224 --> 00:08:26,232
You look weird.
Hmm. Oh, Steve.

158
00:08:27,144 --> 00:08:28,220
That's lovely.

159
00:08:30,179 --> 00:08:33,215
I don't fancy my chances
of sleeping in Coleridge's house.

160
00:08:33,231 --> 00:08:35,227
I'm bad enough
in a really good hotel.

161
00:08:36,143 --> 00:08:39,191
Because I like the smells of home,
just the home smells.

162
00:08:39,203 --> 00:08:41,219
I'm like an animal in that sense.

163
00:08:42,133 --> 00:08:45,201
What? Like a mouse?
Like a lion.

164
00:08:45,213 --> 00:08:48,165
If he strays far from the pride,

165
00:08:48,181 --> 00:08:52,161
he yearns for the smell
of his lady lion, his she-lion.

166
00:08:52,176 --> 00:08:55,152
Let's change the subject, mate,
please, for Chrissakes.

167
00:08:57,223 --> 00:08:59,215
Oh, hang on. Sorry. Let me finish.

168
00:09:02,151 --> 00:09:05,223
Oh, my God! Oh, Rob. Please, please.

169
00:09:08,218 --> 00:09:11,182
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much, thank you.

170
00:09:11,198 --> 00:09:15,194
OK, service.
Table six, scallops. Lovely.

171
00:09:16,217 --> 00:09:18,193
This is Hazlett on Coleridge.

172
00:09:18,209 --> 00:09:23,205
'All that he had done of moment
he had done 20 years ago.

173
00:09:23,220 --> 00:09:27,184
Since then, he maybe is said to live
on the sound of his own voice.

174
00:09:27,199 --> 00:09:30,179
He is a general lover
of art and science.' That's true.

175
00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:32,147
'And wedded to no-one
in particular.'

176
00:09:32,162 --> 00:09:34,218
OK, it's about me.
I didn't realise, but carry on.

177
00:09:35,134 --> 00:09:38,138
'He pursues knowledge
as a mistress.' OK.

178
00:09:38,154 --> 00:09:40,178
'It was not to be supposed
that Mr Coleridge could keep on

179
00:09:40,193 --> 00:09:43,125
at the rate he set off.'
Aha!

180
00:09:43,141 --> 00:09:45,193
'He could not realise all...'
Is that written down?

181
00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:48,125
'And less could not fix
his desultory ambition.

182
00:09:48,141 --> 00:09:51,217
Other stimulants
supplied the place...'

183
00:09:52,132 --> 00:09:53,192
Careful, you were going
to Jimmy Saville then,

184
00:09:53,204 --> 00:09:55,152
but I'll let it go.

185
00:09:55,167 --> 00:09:59,191
'Other stimulants supplied
the place and kept up

186
00:09:59,206 --> 00:10:02,214
the intoxicating dream,
the fever, and the madness

187
00:10:03,126 --> 00:10:05,134
of his early impressions.'

188
00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:08,122
Right. I don't do impressions.

189
00:10:08,138 --> 00:10:11,170
I'm saying that it can be hard
to have a big success.

190
00:10:11,184 --> 00:10:15,148
Bob Balaban said, 'Never be hot.
Always be warm.'

191
00:10:15,165 --> 00:10:18,205
And a lot of the people that
are thought of as great had pfff...

192
00:10:18,216 --> 00:10:20,152
supernova moments.

193
00:10:20,164 --> 00:10:21,216
Where do you go from there?

194
00:10:22,127 --> 00:10:24,131
Well, it's difficult, you know,

195
00:10:24,147 --> 00:10:26,211
once you've achieved greatness,
to match that.

196
00:10:27,123 --> 00:10:28,159
I imagine it is.

197
00:10:28,171 --> 00:10:30,163
Yeah, and you'll always imagine,

198
00:10:30,178 --> 00:10:32,182
because it's not a problem
you'll ever have to contend with.

199
00:10:32,198 --> 00:10:34,174
But that's not
a problem for me, why?

200
00:10:34,185 --> 00:10:36,121
I'd rather be me than you,

201
00:10:36,137 --> 00:10:39,189
because I'd rather have
these moments of genius,

202
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:45,161
than... than... than a lifetime
of mediocrity.

203
00:10:45,172 --> 00:10:47,208
My career is not mediocre.

204
00:10:49,167 --> 00:10:51,127
OK, that's good. Two crab,
rabbit, scallops.

205
00:10:53,134 --> 00:10:55,166
Doesn't matter about the thyme.

206
00:10:55,183 --> 00:10:57,147
Scallops.
Thank you very much.

207
00:10:57,162 --> 00:10:59,122
Thank you.
Scallops. Thanks.

208
00:10:59,134 --> 00:11:00,170
Golly. Thank you.

209
00:11:00,186 --> 00:11:02,118
Enjoy it.
Thank you very much.

210
00:11:03,149 --> 00:11:06,189
I always think of Coleridge as sort
of a Richard Burton-type character.

211
00:11:06,205 --> 00:11:09,169
In Xanadu did Kubla Kahn

212
00:11:09,185 --> 00:11:13,205
a stately pleasure-dome decree,
where Alph, the sacred river, ran

213
00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:19,208
through caverns measureless
to man down to a soundless sea.

214
00:11:20,122 --> 00:11:21,178
I'm very impressed with that.
You shocked me.

215
00:11:21,195 --> 00:11:24,159
'Cause I would have thought
that you would have preferred

216
00:11:24,174 --> 00:11:26,142
Olivia Newton-John's
version of Xanadu.

217
00:11:26,158 --> 00:11:30,146
I think both Newton-John
and Coleridge

218
00:11:30,161 --> 00:11:33,193
tackled the subject of Xanadu
with varying degrees of success.

219
00:11:33,205 --> 00:11:36,121
They call it Xanadu.

220
00:11:36,137 --> 00:11:38,153
Yes.
Xanadu.

221
00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:42,164
Xaaaanadu. In Xanadu.

222
00:11:42,180 --> 00:11:46,156
- Ably abetted by...
- Jeff Lynne

223
00:11:46,171 --> 00:11:48,139
Of...
The Electric Light Orchestra.

224
00:11:48,155 --> 00:11:52,199
Electric Light Orchestra.
The Electric Light Orchestra.

225
00:11:53,114 --> 00:11:56,114
First one, pigeon, lamb encore,
followed by duck, lamb encore.

226
00:12:00,133 --> 00:12:02,149
Wordsworth took his time.
He was a plodder.

227
00:12:02,161 --> 00:12:04,145
He took his time, then steady...

228
00:12:04,161 --> 00:12:06,161
Yes, he was. It's the tortoise
and the hare.

229
00:12:06,176 --> 00:12:09,140
Do you see yourself as a hare?
Yeah, I'm happy to be a hare.

230
00:12:09,156 --> 00:12:12,172
Tortoise is happier than the hare.
Yeah, but they're boring.

231
00:12:12,187 --> 00:12:15,159
Hares go... you know,
zoom, zoom, zoom!

232
00:12:15,175 --> 00:12:18,111
I'd rather be a tortoise.
The tortoise wins at the end.

233
00:12:18,122 --> 00:12:20,110
Yeah, that's true.

234
00:12:20,126 --> 00:12:22,130
- Thank you very much.
- Top up?

235
00:12:22,146 --> 00:12:25,158
Yes, I like drinking wine.

236
00:12:25,173 --> 00:12:30,177
We'll just
plate up here and we'll...

237
00:12:30,193 --> 00:12:33,121
'Better to burn out than fade away.'
Neil Young.

238
00:12:33,136 --> 00:12:35,168
'One small leap for man.'
Neil Armstrong.

239
00:12:35,180 --> 00:12:37,152
'One small leap for man'?

240
00:12:37,167 --> 00:12:40,179
It was actually 'one small step for
man, one giant leap for mankind'.

241
00:12:40,191 --> 00:12:42,183
But it was meant to be 'a man'.

242
00:12:43,099 --> 00:12:48,119
He got it wrong. He got his lines
wrong. He hadn't thought it through.

243
00:12:50,166 --> 00:12:52,114
Thank you very much.

244
00:12:56,181 --> 00:12:59,141
I don't need the nod and the wink.
I don't it every time.

245
00:12:59,156 --> 00:13:02,132
Well, you know what?
OK, yeah. Don't do that.

246
00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:05,164
No, I'm saying I won't do that.
I'm going... I won't do it.

247
00:13:08,151 --> 00:13:10,107
Service.

248
00:13:13,103 --> 00:13:16,115
Thank you. Pigeon...
Golly, that does look nice.

249
00:13:16,131 --> 00:13:18,115
That looks lovely. What is that?
Pigeon.

250
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:20,102
Really?
Yeah. Golly.

251
00:13:20,118 --> 00:13:23,106
Don't want to sit there
watching you cooing over it.

252
00:13:23,121 --> 00:13:26,097
What have you got?
I have lamb.

253
00:13:27,148 --> 00:13:29,156
Thank you.
Um...

254
00:13:29,172 --> 00:13:35,140
Farewell to the white wine.
Hello to our old friend, the red.

255
00:13:38,167 --> 00:13:44,099
Mmm. That's nice. That's very nice.

256
00:13:44,114 --> 00:13:46,186
Do you think we just have the same
conversation in every restaurant?

257
00:13:47,102 --> 00:13:48,166
Um... Yeah. Of course we do.
We're bound to...

258
00:13:48,182 --> 00:13:50,126
Essentially having
the same conversation

259
00:13:50,137 --> 00:13:51,181
in every place we go to.

260
00:13:52,097 --> 00:13:55,141
We start out being a bit awkward
with each other,

261
00:13:55,157 --> 00:13:58,165
have a little bit of wine,
exchange a few frivolities.

262
00:13:58,180 --> 00:14:00,128
Loosen up,
enjoying each other's company.

263
00:14:00,144 --> 00:14:02,136
To enjoy each other's company,
have a bit more wine,

264
00:14:02,151 --> 00:14:04,087
get cantankerous.
Yeah.

265
00:14:04,103 --> 00:14:05,159
And...
Pick faults with each other.

266
00:14:05,175 --> 00:14:09,087
Pick faults with each other,
and it descends into a kind of a...

267
00:14:09,102 --> 00:14:12,094
sort of a bitter, unhappy end
to the meal.

268
00:14:14,166 --> 00:14:17,090
It's a little haggis.
Yeah?

269
00:14:18,142 --> 00:14:20,142
Anyone ever asks you
to go on a haggis hunt,

270
00:14:20,153 --> 00:14:22,089
be careful what you say.

271
00:14:22,105 --> 00:14:23,169
They've taken you for a fool.

272
00:14:23,181 --> 00:14:25,117
Taken you for a fool.

273
00:14:26,148 --> 00:14:30,120
As a bloody fool. There's no
such thing as a haggis hunt.

274
00:14:36,102 --> 00:14:38,110
I just imagined myself
pointing my knife upside down,

275
00:14:38,122 --> 00:14:40,110
and just pressing my head onto it.

276
00:14:41,138 --> 00:14:43,150
Desperate to be taken seriously,
aren't you? No.

277
00:14:43,165 --> 00:14:48,093
You can't treat your entire life
like a Radio 4 panel show.

278
00:14:48,108 --> 00:14:51,120
Buzz. Yes, you can.

279
00:14:51,136 --> 00:14:56,132
Alex James said he celebrated
his 20th birthday with alcohol,

280
00:14:56,147 --> 00:15:00,143
his 30th with drugs,
and his 40th with food.

281
00:15:00,156 --> 00:15:02,092
Is that how it is for you?

282
00:15:02,103 --> 00:15:03,143
Um...

283
00:15:06,082 --> 00:15:07,130
Well, don't you find it exhausting,

284
00:15:07,146 --> 00:15:11,086
still running around, going
to parties and chasing girls...

285
00:15:11,101 --> 00:15:13,109
I don't run around and go to parties
and chase girls.

286
00:15:13,125 --> 00:15:16,129
You do. You chase girls.
I don't chase them.

287
00:15:16,141 --> 00:15:18,105
You make me sound like Benny Hill.

288
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,112
But don't you find all that
exhausting at your age?

289
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:23,116
No. Do you find it exhausting
looking after a baby?

290
00:15:23,132 --> 00:15:25,152
Yes, I do.
Yeah, well...

291
00:15:27,108 --> 00:15:29,160
Everything's exhausting
when you're past 40.

292
00:15:32,163 --> 00:15:34,115
Everything's exhausting at our age.

293
00:15:42,093 --> 00:15:46,073
Right, after this
we're gonna go duck, lamb.

294
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:52,080
Oh, dear. A rather miserly portion.

295
00:15:52,095 --> 00:15:54,075
A mouse has taken a shit
on your plate.

296
00:15:55,095 --> 00:15:58,119
Here is Petit Langue
champagne cheese.

297
00:15:58,135 --> 00:16:01,115
Wensleydale local cheese.
Wensleydale.

298
00:16:01,130 --> 00:16:03,118
Cracking cheese, Gromit.

299
00:16:03,134 --> 00:16:06,090
Let me just say your eyes match
your neckerchief perfectly.

300
00:16:06,106 --> 00:16:09,074
Thank you.
Please don't press charges.

301
00:16:10,125 --> 00:16:13,129
There's a fine line
between pleasantries...

302
00:16:13,144 --> 00:16:15,160
And sexual harassment, and that's
the line that you have...

303
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:18,104
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much. Thank you.

304
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:20,084
What a charming girl!

305
00:16:20,099 --> 00:16:22,075
What a charming girl.
What a charming girl.

306
00:16:22,087 --> 00:16:24,075
James Mason is from Yorkshire.

307
00:16:24,091 --> 00:16:26,095
Occasionally you can hear
his vowel sounds,

308
00:16:26,111 --> 00:16:28,111
very flat vowel sounds,
when he speaks.

309
00:16:28,126 --> 00:16:31,106
Wallace is probably...
Go to your room or I shall beat you.

310
00:16:31,122 --> 00:16:35,066
Are you still doing James Mason?
No, I'm speaking to you directly.

311
00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:37,121
Can I have my cheese first?
Yes. Thank you.

312
00:16:37,137 --> 00:16:40,117
Put your tongue to the cracker.

313
00:16:40,129 --> 00:16:42,121
I raise it slowly to me mouth,

314
00:16:42,136 --> 00:16:46,072
wondering if it will fulfil
the promise of cheese gone by.

315
00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:49,072
At Leeds Grammar.
Oh, ma'am. Oh, Allan.

316
00:16:49,083 --> 00:16:50,119
And it did.

317
00:16:50,135 --> 00:16:54,079
And now, as I look back,
Dudley and Peter...

318
00:16:54,090 --> 00:16:56,118
Dudley, elfin sexuality.

319
00:16:56,135 --> 00:16:59,159
Jonathan, that much clever
than Peter, Dudley and I.

320
00:17:00,074 --> 00:17:03,090
'Peter, Dudley and me.'
Peter, Dudley and me. Sorry.

321
00:17:03,101 --> 00:17:04,137
Not 'Peter, Dudley and I'.

322
00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:07,069
The cheese evoking memories of...

323
00:17:07,081 --> 00:17:08,117
I was hoping that that interjection

324
00:17:08,133 --> 00:17:11,125
might curtail
your Alan Bennett odyssey.

325
00:17:11,137 --> 00:17:13,089
Oh, no. Not at all.

326
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:16,072
The cracker found under the sofa.

327
00:17:16,087 --> 00:17:20,071
'Cracker, the cracker.'
Who talks like that? 'The cracker.'

328
00:17:20,087 --> 00:17:22,123
Scousers.
Yeah. Fuckin' Scousers.

329
00:17:22,138 --> 00:17:24,122
'Khome 'ere, khome here
with the khracker.'

330
00:17:24,138 --> 00:17:26,154
They don't say 'khome'.
'Khome here with your crackers.'

331
00:17:27,070 --> 00:17:29,078
They don't say 'khome here'.
Fuck yer crackers.

332
00:17:29,093 --> 00:17:31,113
'Don't fukhing crush your khrackers
at me.'

333
00:17:31,129 --> 00:17:34,069
The 'kh', that's what the Welsh do,
all that 'kh'.

334
00:17:34,085 --> 00:17:37,153
They don't want the Scousers
talking. I met Steven Gerrard once.

335
00:17:38,069 --> 00:17:40,145
'Alright, how you doing? Alright?'
I knew nothing about football.

336
00:17:41,055 --> 00:17:42,095
I met Paul McCartney once.

337
00:17:42,112 --> 00:17:46,060
Not just listing Liverpudlians I've
met. I met him. He's a footballer.

338
00:17:46,075 --> 00:17:49,055
Not listing my names. Just saying
I'm met Paul McCartney. Good.

339
00:17:49,066 --> 00:17:50,102
I'm envious.

340
00:17:53,094 --> 00:17:56,078
Too much cheese.
You can say that again.

341
00:17:57,129 --> 00:18:01,057
That should be the name of your
autobiography - Too Much Cheese.

342
00:18:01,073 --> 00:18:05,073
Yeah, and yours should be
Sticky Toffee Pudding.

343
00:18:05,089 --> 00:18:07,101
Well, that's devastating.
I'm devastated.

344
00:18:07,116 --> 00:18:09,104
That was lovely, thank you.
Delightful.

345
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,076
He's made light work of that,
hasn't he?

346
00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:13,111
Short shrift.
Bit Trevor Eve.

347
00:18:13,123 --> 00:18:15,131
Friday at nine, on BBC1.

348
00:18:15,147 --> 00:18:18,143
Can we have the bill please?
Yes, of course.

349
00:18:19,058 --> 00:18:24,110
I'm tired now. Go right to sleep.
I think you should.

350
00:18:27,057 --> 00:18:28,121
Thank you, Terry.

351
00:18:28,137 --> 00:18:30,121
There'll be more from Terry
same time tomorrow.

352
00:18:30,133 --> 00:18:32,093
Right. The Doobie Brothers.

353
00:18:32,109 --> 00:18:35,093
What a fool believes? This fool
believes any old nonsense.

354
00:18:35,108 --> 00:18:39,052
- Your bill, gentlemen.
- Thank you very much.

355
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:40,143
What does it say?
Are you excited?

356
00:18:41,059 --> 00:18:46,067
And the winner is... Holbeck Ghyll.
�140.30.

357
00:18:46,082 --> 00:18:48,070
Holbeck Ghyll.
Holbeck Ghyll.

358
00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:52,054
Holbeck Ghyll.
Hello, my name's Holbeck Ghyll.

359
00:18:52,066 --> 00:18:55,046
Hello. My name's Holbeck Ghyll.

360
00:18:55,061 --> 00:18:59,105
You might remember me.
Remember me from Follyfoot.

361
00:18:59,121 --> 00:19:02,057
Now I'm here to tell you about
a wonderful new walk-in bath.

362
00:19:02,068 --> 00:19:03,120
And softly, softly.

363
00:19:05,131 --> 00:19:09,071
I once played an elderly gentleman
with a concussion in Holby City.

364
00:19:09,083 --> 00:19:11,083
But I was cut out.

365
00:19:11,099 --> 00:19:14,075
And I remember I played
an elderly gentleman

366
00:19:14,091 --> 00:19:17,063
who was wrongly accused
of being a paedophile.

367
00:19:17,078 --> 00:19:20,090
That was important to me
that he was 'wrongly accused'.

368
00:19:20,105 --> 00:19:23,133
Very important to me. I said
I don't mind being a paedophile,

369
00:19:24,045 --> 00:19:26,089
as long as he's WRONGLY accused.

370
00:19:26,105 --> 00:19:30,113
If you're over 50...
If you're over 150.

371
00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:35,040
If you're over 150,
if you're worried about intruders,

372
00:19:35,055 --> 00:19:39,067
then turn your semi-detached house
into Fort Knox...

373
00:19:40,090 --> 00:19:42,062
with my aluminium blinds.

374
00:19:42,078 --> 00:19:47,038
And look at my razor wire.
Look at them. Brrr-clang!

375
00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:51,045
You know, a small child of 12 tried
to enter my garden the other day,

376
00:19:51,061 --> 00:19:54,077
and went away with lacerations
to his hands and wrists,

377
00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:58,101
thanks to my razor wire and shards
of glass. Illegal. Can't do that.

378
00:19:58,116 --> 00:20:00,120
I know it's illegal,
but I don't care.

379
00:20:01,036 --> 00:20:04,080
I'll do what I can to keep
the little shits off my property.

380
00:20:06,111 --> 00:20:09,071
I'm Holbeck Ghyll. Goodnight.

381
00:20:11,078 --> 00:20:13,106
Hi, Emma.

382
00:20:13,122 --> 00:20:16,054
Hey, are you alright?
Yeah, I got a missed call.

383
00:20:16,070 --> 00:20:19,106
Yeah, I was just phoning to remind
you about the photographer.

384
00:20:19,121 --> 00:20:21,081
She's gonna meet you
at Hipping Hall tomorrow.

385
00:20:21,097 --> 00:20:24,037
OK. Well... hang on.
A photographer?

386
00:20:24,052 --> 00:20:26,108
Yeah, for the photos
for the article?

387
00:20:26,124 --> 00:20:28,128
We talked about it
in the office, remember?

388
00:20:29,043 --> 00:20:31,107
Yeah, it's on my itinerary.
OK, yeah. OK.

389
00:20:31,119 --> 00:20:34,063
Her name's Yolanda, by the way.

390
00:20:34,078 --> 00:20:36,114
I'm gonna come up with her
tomorrow, so you'll see me then.

391
00:20:37,030 --> 00:20:39,106
If you need anything in
the meantime, just give me a shout.

392
00:20:39,122 --> 00:20:42,086
Yes, miss. OK. I'll talk to you soon.
Thanks.

393
00:20:42,101 --> 00:20:44,105
So I'll see you tomorrow then, yeah?
Yeah, see you tomorrow.

394
00:20:44,121 --> 00:20:46,053
Good.
Take care.

395
00:20:46,065 --> 00:20:47,101
OK, bye. Bye.

396
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,060
Aha!

397
00:20:59,079 --> 00:21:01,027
Do you remember The Seekers?
Yeah.

398
00:21:02,035 --> 00:21:07,111
� Rockin', rollin', ridin'
� All along the bay

399
00:21:08,026 --> 00:21:11,030
� Something, something
� Morning town

400
00:21:11,041 --> 00:21:13,121
� Many miles away. �

401
00:21:14,037 --> 00:21:18,057
Kind of processed cheese version
of real '60s music.

402
00:21:19,092 --> 00:21:22,068
I remember friends of my parents
had Bridge Over Troubled Water,

403
00:21:22,084 --> 00:21:25,040
and I remember thinking, 'Whoa!'
Cool. Yeah.

404
00:21:25,056 --> 00:21:28,048
Wings At The Speed Of Sound.
That would've been very racy.

405
00:21:28,063 --> 00:21:32,095
Cliff Richard, not black
technically, but in his soul. Yeah.

406
00:21:32,106 --> 00:21:35,074
I assume you're being ironic.

407
00:21:50,048 --> 00:21:52,076
Look at this, magnificent.

408
00:21:56,043 --> 00:21:59,047
This is Langdale.
You know what that means?

409
00:21:59,058 --> 00:22:01,114
It means 'long valley' in Viking.

410
00:22:02,030 --> 00:22:04,046
This would have...
Oh!

411
00:22:04,062 --> 00:22:06,074
All this was formed
in the last ice age,

412
00:22:06,085 --> 00:22:08,037
about 10,000 years ago.

413
00:22:08,049 --> 00:22:10,017
Incredible, isn't it?

414
00:22:10,033 --> 00:22:13,109
How far are we gonna go?
A little bit further.

415
00:22:14,024 --> 00:22:15,100
Because it's late.
I know. I know.

416
00:22:16,016 --> 00:22:18,060
As you can see, the sun's now
on the other side of the...

417
00:22:18,075 --> 00:22:20,063
Hello.
It's OK. Hello.

418
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:26,020
Human history has been recorded
for, what, 3,000 years?

419
00:22:26,034 --> 00:22:28,110
And yet, you know, right now,
we're in a warm period,

420
00:22:29,026 --> 00:22:30,102
but there's gonna be another
ice age very soon,

421
00:22:31,018 --> 00:22:35,022
in about, say, another 3,000 years,
but that's the blink of an eye.

422
00:22:35,037 --> 00:22:38,097
The rocks here were formed
400 million years ago.

423
00:22:38,108 --> 00:22:40,056
400 million years ago.

424
00:22:40,072 --> 00:22:45,012
It's like... where we are now,
this was a huge volcanic caldera.

425
00:22:45,027 --> 00:22:47,079
This was a volcanic lake
of molten volcano,

426
00:22:47,096 --> 00:22:49,068
and it was on a land mass
called Avalonia

427
00:22:49,083 --> 00:22:52,047
that drifted from the South Pole
all the way to where we are now

428
00:22:52,059 --> 00:22:53,095
over hundreds of million years.

429
00:22:54,011 --> 00:22:57,039
We shouldn't probably go much
further just because of the light.

430
00:23:07,025 --> 00:23:11,097
It's... isn't that beautiful, that?
Yeah.

431
00:23:12,012 --> 00:23:14,084
I think it always looks
more beautiful in the mist.

432
00:23:17,064 --> 00:23:20,104
It's like a...
It's like a Turner painting.

433
00:23:42,027 --> 00:23:45,011
Let me get two tickets
for Dove Cottage.

434
00:23:45,027 --> 00:23:50,011
I'm really sorry, sir, but the
last admission is five o'clock.

435
00:23:50,022 --> 00:23:54,030
Right, OK, well, it's five past.

436
00:23:54,046 --> 00:23:56,074
I'm really sorry, sir,
but these are the rules.

437
00:23:56,086 --> 00:23:58,022
We'll be very quick.

438
00:23:58,037 --> 00:24:01,029
Yes, I know, but that
really wouldn't be fair

439
00:24:01,041 --> 00:24:02,077
on all the other latecomers.

440
00:24:02,092 --> 00:24:04,072
So what other latecomers?
I've not seen anyone.

441
00:24:04,089 --> 00:24:06,033
No, I know.
Not at the moment, but...

442
00:24:06,048 --> 00:24:09,076
Please? We've come from London.
Why didn't you come earlier?

443
00:24:09,092 --> 00:24:13,028
Well, that's... because
I got stuck in traffic.

444
00:24:13,043 --> 00:24:15,075
Well, I'm really sorry. Perhaps
you could come back tomorrow.

445
00:24:15,091 --> 00:24:18,055
Is this man troubling you?

446
00:24:20,002 --> 00:24:22,086
We wondered if we could pop inside
and have a look at the cottage.

447
00:24:23,002 --> 00:24:25,022
Mr Brydon?
Yes, it is.

448
00:24:25,037 --> 00:24:28,029
It's very nice to meet you.
Would you do something for me?

449
00:24:28,041 --> 00:24:29,077
Depends what it is.

450
00:24:29,092 --> 00:24:35,024
I have a grandson,
and he loves that tiny man...

451
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,092
Small man in a box?
Small man in the box that you do.

452
00:24:38,008 --> 00:24:40,092
Could you sign this for him?
Sure. Yeah.

453
00:24:41,007 --> 00:24:43,043
Thank you. Thank you.
What's his name?

454
00:24:43,055 --> 00:24:45,035
His name is William.

455
00:24:45,050 --> 00:24:48,994
Well, look, I'll sign this
for William, OK, if...

456
00:24:49,010 --> 00:24:51,998
if my friend and I
can go take a look at Dove Cottage.

457
00:24:52,009 --> 00:24:53,045
What do you say?

458
00:24:55,013 --> 00:25:00,013
I don't understand that.
Why do people have to be like that?

459
00:25:00,024 --> 00:25:01,992
She wasn't being like anything.

460
00:25:02,008 --> 00:25:04,032
It is only open
for another half an hour,

461
00:25:04,047 --> 00:25:08,027
and that woman, in all fairness,
is probably bereaved.

462
00:25:08,043 --> 00:25:10,039
Yeah, but why... it's not
my fault her husband's dead.

463
00:25:10,051 --> 00:25:11,087
No, but you...

464
00:25:12,002 --> 00:25:14,070
Old people, at some time...
not all old people,

465
00:25:14,086 --> 00:25:17,042
but a lot of them...
seek out aggravation.

466
00:25:17,058 --> 00:25:20,062
Oh, that's total rubbish!
She was lovely.

467
00:25:22,021 --> 00:25:25,021
Looks not unlike yourself
in that picture.

468
00:25:28,049 --> 00:25:30,057
OK, ready? One, two...

469
00:25:44,006 --> 00:25:46,030
Want some?
Uh, no, thank you.

470
00:25:46,045 --> 00:25:48,045
Sure?
Absolutely.

471
00:25:48,061 --> 00:25:51,077
I never smoked.
Mm.

472
00:25:51,993 --> 00:25:56,081
That's the trouble with you, Rob.
You're not open to new experiences.

473
00:25:56,996 --> 00:26:01,996
Phht! I would remind you of the time
I had a Red Bull and Coke.

474
00:26:05,051 --> 00:26:09,007
That's not what Coleridge
would have been imbibing.

475
00:26:09,022 --> 00:26:11,034
He wouldn't have been having
a spliff, would he?

476
00:26:11,050 --> 00:26:13,034
No, he wouldn't, but I mean,
if they'd been around...

477
00:26:13,049 --> 00:26:16,021
He would have definitely partaken
if they'd been around.

478
00:26:16,037 --> 00:26:18,001
If you really want
to pay tribute to him,

479
00:26:18,013 --> 00:26:21,029
you should be having some opium.

480
00:26:21,044 --> 00:26:25,004
What, that's...
Or its modern-day equivalent.

481
00:26:25,015 --> 00:26:26,071
This is... well, this is...

482
00:26:26,988 --> 00:26:29,000
Well, no, the modern-day
equivalent of that, that's heroin.

483
00:26:29,015 --> 00:26:33,023
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
I'm not a junkie, Rob.

484
00:26:33,038 --> 00:26:35,986
I'm not encouraging you
to become hooked on heroin.

485
00:26:36,002 --> 00:26:38,002
I'm just saying...
It sounds like you are.

486
00:26:38,018 --> 00:26:40,066
I'm not. Why would I do that?
I don't know. For a laugh.

487
00:26:40,978 --> 00:26:42,994
Ha-ha. It was a hell of a laugh.

488
00:26:43,009 --> 00:26:45,053
Alright. You know Steve?
You seen Steve lately?

489
00:26:45,069 --> 00:26:48,017
He's living at the council estate
curled up in his own shit.

490
00:26:48,032 --> 00:26:51,976
Aye. That was my doing, that was.
I suggested he try heroin.

491
00:26:51,992 --> 00:26:54,052
Cracking idea.
I would never do that.

492
00:27:00,050 --> 00:27:06,026
Most creative people... the most
creative people smoke, you know,

493
00:27:06,038 --> 00:27:08,014
smoke marijuana, smoke hash.

494
00:27:33,986 --> 00:27:36,982
So I'm tucked up in bed
in my pyjamas,

495
00:27:36,993 --> 00:27:38,985
my flaccid member

496
00:27:39,002 --> 00:27:42,050
brushing up against Coleridge's
soft cotton sheets,

497
00:27:42,064 --> 00:27:47,036
waiting to be awoken by a dusky
maiden at the end of the phone.

498
00:27:47,052 --> 00:27:49,016
I need somewhere warm
to put my hand.

499
00:27:49,032 --> 00:27:51,016
Well, I'll give you somewhere warm
to put your hands.

500
00:27:51,028 --> 00:27:53,040
Yes, I'll be a human mitten.

501
00:27:53,055 --> 00:27:57,051
Hello, I'm trapped in a box.

502
00:27:59,002 --> 00:28:03,038
Help. I'm a little man...
Help. I'm a little man in a box.

503
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:18,024
Help me,
I'm a little man trapped in a box.

504
00:28:18,074 --> 00:28:22,624
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